Author Topic: Darth Vader's First Christmas  (Read 1366 times)

ExtraterrestrialGuy

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Darth Vader's First Christmas
« on: December 31, 2016, 05:34:43 AM »
"On 25 December, 2000 BBY, our saviour Sheev Palpatine was born. On this day, he was visited by the three wise men who brought spice, kyber crystals and Jelucani fogstones.

In celebration of Life Day, it is your civic duty to aid in the extraction of these materials through your local mining depot."


-- Imperial civil service publication



Darth Vader's First Christmas


My astromech droid forgot to sound my alarm this morning. His name was XM-4S and his red/green paint job defied Imperial regulations. Apparently this was acceptable, for he was a Life Day gift from some officer.
    However, today was an important day and the droid had failed me.
    I ignited my lightsaber and sliced through it like an acklay through Geneosian hordes.
    It whined as its dome disconnected from the body and slid to the shiny surface of my bedroom floor.
    I sensed nothing. As droids do not have feelings, it was a most unsatisfactory kill. I walked to the calander hanging on the far wall, using the Force to summon my cape from the coat hanger.
    Today was the 24th.
    Today, I had a date.

"So, what's the average day for the Dark Lord of the Sith?" The Acting Captain sat across the table from me, her hair catching the starlight.
    My breathing box quickened as it struggled to synchronise with my ever-increasing heart rate. I stared at her for a standard second before formulating an appropriate response to her question, resisting the urge to monologue about my love for her, juxtaposed against my dislike for democracy and sand. "I assist the Imperial Navy when and where I am required to do so."
    She smiled and sighed. "I know that, otherwise we wouldn't be on this operation-- Wait, there he is!"
    I swung around to see the rebel spy we had been baiting.
    The Acting Captain moved swiftly, drawing her sidearm and leaping across the dining hall.
    I lamented the fact my date was over. I was a fool for thinking she actually liked an ugly bantha like me. Dejected, I slowly stood from my seat and commanded the Force to hold the rebel spy in place.
    "Nice work!" gasped the Acting Captain.
    In an attempt to look cool, I ignored her and strode towards the spy, the Force's grip on his throat tightening. I drew my lightsaber and did some spins to impress her. I then thrust the crimson blade deep into his chest, feeling his pain and anguish through the Force.
    "What have you done?!" she cried, checking the rebel scum for a pulse. "We were supposed to take him alive!"
    The Emperor would not be pleased, but worse, the Acting Captain thought me... incompetent. I could feel it.

"You killed her?!" cried D0-BL3. A protocol droid. Another Life Day gift that haunted my quarters.
    "The Emperor could not know of my failing."
    "At this rate, the odds of your finding a romantic companion are very low."
    "Mind your words, droid. I would have your memory wiped again." 
    "You wipe my memory banks every time you kill a date."
     I raised my hand in warning.
    "N-not that I remember any of that, my Lord."
    "Prepare the bacta tank. And have your memory banks wiped."
    He hesitated before hurrying off. "Right away, my Lord."
    The droid was right. I had given too much attention to romantic pursuits, diverting from my military operations. I was supposed to be the enforcer, I was supposed to fix things when they went wrong. However, two decades of training and killing had left me lonely. I decided that I would finish my mission here on Jelucan, where I was currently stationed in orbit, before committing to another romantic endeavour. The miners planetside had been colluding with rebel cells. They were attempting to divert valuable materials away from the Empire's grasp. I let my anger at the situation swell, in turn drawing power from the Force as I had been taught. I would end this quickly, but first I needed a bacta bath.

I rushed out of my bedroom and into the corridors of the Life Day Tree, a rather odd name for a Star Destroyer. I ignored the stormtroopers who stood to attention as I passed them.
    "Ooh, excuse me!" cried a female officer as she turned a corner and bumped into me. She had a cybernetic arm implant, but otherwise conformed to the Empire's standards.
    I stared at her, my breathing box filling the silence that ensued. "My apologies. I was on my way to the bacta room, unless you need it first...?"
    "No, no! I prefer ointment." She smiled and flexed her metallic hand.
    D0-BL3 appeared from the bacta room on the other end of the corridor. When he saw me, he stopped in place and waved with both arms. He rested his elbow casually against the wall, leaning close against a stormtrooper that was standing at attention.
    I mimicked him. My helmeted head moved closer to the officer's face and my sensors and filtration system picked up a pleasant fragrance. "My name is Lord Vader, but my friends call me Darth."

Andro

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Re: Darth Vader's First Christmas
« Reply #1 on: December 31, 2016, 11:43:36 AM »
<3<3<3<3<3
*casually falls in love with a face*

finger-lickin' dead

Quote from: ExtraterrestrialGuy
Andro is naturally cute

ExtraterrestrialGuy

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Re: Darth Vader's First Christmas
« Reply #2 on: January 01, 2017, 01:08:43 AM »
Thank you, reader.

Captain Phill Jupitus

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Re: Darth Vader's First Christmas
« Reply #3 on: January 01, 2017, 01:50:29 PM »
this was my favourite scene in rogue one

ExtraterrestrialGuy

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Re: Darth Vader's First Christmas
« Reply #4 on: January 02, 2017, 12:16:06 AM »
The restaurant planetside looked over the green mountains, the sun rising in the west as aves awoke and scattered.
    I couldn't remember what green looked like, but Boctorchi assured me it was an engaging sight.
    Her metallic arm glistened, the light reflecting onto her face, which featured symmetrical aesthetics that were not displeasing. "Your opinions on democracy are so interesting! Tell me more!"
    I leaned forward slightly. I had her now. "People are too simple to be allowed equal powah. The Seperatist planets left the Republic and lost their prosperity."
    "Wow! You're so interesting, Darth." She smiled at me and then looked over my shoulder to the protocol droid approaching.
    "My Lord, may I get you another drink?"
    "No, Dobble." I placed the straw into my filtration grill and sipped.
    "Just as well. Sergeant Skirata has reached your personal comlink."
    I cursed and patched the link through to my helmet. "What is it, Sergeant?"
    "Lord Vader! The miners are armed!" I could feel his urgency through the Force. "We've got heavy resistance down here, we're losing ground!"
    I stood from my seat and reached for my lightsaber, but stopped before unhooking it. "Excuse me, I must make use of the restroom." I rushed past D0-BL3 and for my speeder.

The rebel soldiers and miners screamed as blaster bolts were deflected back at them. Bodies were torn apart and flung away as thermal detonators were activated. My lightsaber illuminated their innards a ghastly red as it penetrated their flesh.
    I took out a few more before my comlink beeped and flashed. "What is it, Dobble?"   
    "My Lord, I can't stall much longer!"
    I let myself down from the high of my massacre. There were still whimpers and whines from survivors, and I could feel their pain through the Force, the strength it gave me... But I had to return for Boctorchi. "Sergeant!" 
    "Yes, Lord Vader?" came Skirata's voice.
    "I will depart. Quell the uprising, do not fail me or you will answer to the Emperor himself."
   
"My apologies," I said simply as I strode back into the restaurant. The sun was up high now.
    "What's that smell?" She leaned in and sniffed. "Plasma and smoke."
    "Respirator malfunction. I fixed it. I fix things."
    "You never told me who'd be in charge of, well, your opposite of a democracy."
    "Wise men who would make good decisions."
    "Like yourself?"
    I pondered the question. Was this flirting? "No. My Master, perhaps."
    Her eyes widened. "The Emperor? What do you know about him?"
    "He is powerful. I gain knowledge from him and in turn I must obey his every command."
    "Such as?"
    "Today, on Life Day, I am to remind the masses of Jelucan that they are citizens of the Empire and will act accordingly. Their fogstones belong to us and if their miners do not concede defeat, we will destroy them all."
    She let a moment of silence pass. "That's hardcore, man."
    I nodded, not disagreeing.
    She smiled and reached into her waistband. "Want to smoke some death sticks?"

I could see colours. The mountains were bright yellow, bright green, bright red, somehow all at the same time. I looked at my gloved hand, feeling flesh and bone that wasn't there. Or was it? It felt like it was. I could taste something new. Fresh air. I clutched onto my outer helmet and threw it away.
    Boctorchi was beautiful. She smiled as she wrapped her arm around me, moved her face close to mine and...
    I gagged as my face plate was torn from my skin, my tubes disconnected and my breathing impaled.
    "Vader's down!" she said to someone... somewhere.
    The next thing I felt was heat in my upper chest as a blaster bolt burst through me. I staggered backwards, my vision faded and I lost consciousness.
« Last Edit: January 03, 2017, 11:00:50 PM by ExtraterrestrialGuy »

Andro

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Re: Darth Vader's First Christmas
« Reply #5 on: January 02, 2017, 12:19:30 AM »
rude
*casually falls in love with a face*

finger-lickin' dead

Quote from: ExtraterrestrialGuy
Andro is naturally cute

marfach

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Re: Darth Vader's First Christmas
« Reply #6 on: January 03, 2017, 06:14:44 PM »
fishing love this, this is gold

"oh, but I'm a villain, darling - and villains don't get happy endings."

reads, writes, bakes gingerbread.


ExtraterrestrialGuy

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Re: Darth Vader's First Christmas
« Reply #7 on: January 03, 2017, 09:27:44 PM »
Thanks. I found this in George Lucas' bin.

Captain Phill Jupitus

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Re: Darth Vader's First Christmas
« Reply #8 on: January 03, 2017, 09:35:41 PM »
i don't get why everyone hates the christmas special so much
this is pretty good

ExtraterrestrialGuy

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Re: Darth Vader's First Christmas
« Reply #9 on: January 05, 2017, 11:05:46 PM »
I awoke to a field of red. My visors focused on my surroundings and the field became clearer. I could make out the ceiling of the restaurant and a figure standing above me.
    D0-BL3 whined as he fell over backwards.
    I lazily sat up and felt my faceplate, inspecting the modifications that had been made following its damage. I kneeled towards D0-BL3.
    His chest was empty, a ring of plasma and ash present around the circumference of his blaster wound. "Lord Vader... I patched you up as best... I... could. You... have twenty minutes before it packs in. I wish my... latest update didn't come with pain... receptors,"
    I had noticed the shalloweness of my artificial breaths. I felt my bald head, where D0-BL3 had melded the plate to my face. "The traitor?"
    "She's... headed for the landing platform..." His voice was low and distorted. "Do me a... a favour. I know I don't usually approve, but... kill this date for me."
    I felt immense pain, pain which I used to fuel my anger, to strengthen my connection with the Force. I would need it. I stood, scanning the room for my lightsaber.
    It had been blasted in half, the kyber crystal housed inside shattered.
    "Darth... Just... so you know... I never wiped my memory banks."
    I nodded knowingly to him and felt a change in the Force as he slipped away.

"So I said, 'Sith Lord? More like, edge lord!'" A group of Imperial pilots laughed with Boctorchi. Traitors. They turned to face me as I approached, blasters at the ready.
    I held my hand out to intercept the plasma bolts and summoned the Force to disarm them. I let a blaster fall into my grip and I shot aimlessly at the rebel scum, the Force guiding my fire in and out of their bodies.
    "Get to your ships!" shouted Boctorchi amongst the chaos. "Destroy those engines!"
    As she said it, the Life Day Tree appeared within the atmosphere. Its shadow loomed over the Jelucan mountains and outposts, a magnificent display of oppression and powah.
    I pointed my blaster at her, "Merry Life Day," and fired before she could make it to the nearby Imperial V-wing bombers. I snatched her Imperial comlink and patched myself through to Skirata.
    "Lord Vader? You're alive? We've got air support, the Life Day Tree is committing."
    "The Life Day Tree has been compromised, Sergeant." I watched as Y-wings formed an attack formation against the star destroyer. "They're going to destroy its engines."
     There was a pause at the other end. "Are they mad? They'll blow up their outposts!"
     I spoke as the realisation came to me. "They intend to obstruct access to the mines."
     "What do we do?"
     "We fix it, Sergeant." I patched myself to the Life Day Tree's command bridge. "Admiral, you will ground all ships immediately." 
     As he began to object, I applied pressure to his throat. I would not take any chances when there were traitors on board. "Und-understood, Lord... Vader!"
      "Leave the planet at once, the Life Day Tree is compromised. Check and double check your staff, I want every traitor on board executed."
     "O-of c-course!"

Satisfied that friendlies were no longer in the sky, I hurried to a nearby V-wing bomber and maneuvered through the mountains.
    Various TIEs, V-wings, Y-wings and X-wings scattered as I flew through them. Some pursued me. They failed.
    I let the Force guide me, brazing the surfaces of the mountains and letting the rebels and traitors crash and burn in my dust. I sensed the pilots' fear, used my knowledge to predict their actions and avoided their fire when necessary. If I had theme music, it would have been playing. Once I had thinned their numbers down, I engaged and shot the remainders down in a quick attack run. Despite their deaths, and my revenge on Boctorchi, I felt empty. The Force felt distant. I had endangered the mission by distracting myself with the female sex. A vapid pursuit of love. This felt uncomfortably familiar.
    "Vader!" It was Skirata. "The Life Day Tree is dropping in altitude! I'm also hearing the Emperor's on board!"
    I snapped out of my meditative thoughts and sighted the star destroyer as its front tipped downwards.
    "The Admiral." I wasted no time and immediately snapped his neck. "Evacuate our forces, rendezvous with the Wookiee Claus in orbit. I will extract the Emperor and join you."
    "What about the fogstone mines?"
    I didn't have time for the mission, I could feel my respirator straining. "They are lost."
« Last Edit: January 06, 2017, 03:45:18 AM by ExtraterrestrialGuy »

Captain Phill Jupitus

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Re: Darth Vader's First Christmas
« Reply #10 on: January 08, 2017, 12:07:30 AM »
Vader/Aphra is the OTP

ExtraterrestrialGuy

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Re: Darth Vader's First Christmas
« Reply #11 on: January 08, 2017, 01:47:26 AM »

Captain Phill Jupitus

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Re: Darth Vader's First Christmas
« Reply #12 on: January 08, 2017, 12:32:53 PM »
true love

ExtraterrestrialGuy

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Re: Darth Vader's First Christmas
« Reply #13 on: January 13, 2017, 10:06:36 PM »
"All engineers! Report to the hanger area!"
    It was chaos. The hanger bay of the Life Day Tree was full of officers, stormtroopers and crewmembers rushing to ships, fighters and escape pods.
    I could have prevented this.
    "Lord Vader!" shouted a stormtrooper. He stopped before me, breathless. "There were rebels on the command bridge! They hijacked the destroyer, we have to evacuate immediately! I'm talking a lot because I'm nervous! I'm sorry if this is overly expository!"
    "Where is the Emperor?"
    "His personal shuttle arrived before we entered the atmosphere, our holorecordings show him being escorted to the bridge. I'm sorry, my Lord, I don't think he survived the skirmish!"
    I could sense this wasn't true. My Master was alive, but I was running low on time. My breathing was strained, for every standard minute gone it became harder to focus.
    "You will accompany me to the Emperor." I faked confidence in the task, not wishing to deal with his insistance on evacuating.

We zigzagged around the Life Day Tree until we came across the lift that elevated to the command bridge.
    "Sir, look!" The stormtrooper kneeled down besides the lifeless bodies of Royal Guards.
    I ignored them. We stepped over their bodies and into the lift.
    When the lift opened at the command bridge, three officers opened fire on us. The stormtrooper retaliated and killed one, but was quickly targeted by the other two.
    "That armour worked real well, didn't it?" mocked one of them.
    Once they had taken notice of me I used the Force to sling the stormtrooper's body at them, blocking their blaster fire and allowing me a chance to move. I suddenly felt short of breath and fell to a knee.
    I saw one of them moving towards their fallen soldier, the other fast approaching me.
    My head felt light, my brain was being deprived of oxygen as my suit failed. I thought about the Acting Captain, Boctorchi, the death of B0-BL3 and the failure of my mission. I thought about the idea I may never find love. I let my anger swell and focused on it, blocking out all the pain I felt, and I unleashed a blast of energy at the rebel approaching me.
    He flew into the windscreen, head splattering against it like a bug. The second rebel fired at me. I blocked the first bolt, but the second hit me off-guard and blew through my right hand.
    I tried to reach out to the Force, but I felt nothing. My vision was blurred, the sound of alarms muted and the smell of smoke dulled.
    The rebel was standing over me now, blaster in hand. "Rebel scum this!"
    I had at least expected to hear the blaster discharge before I died.
    Vrrrrmmm, hummed, instead, a crimson lightsaber that sliced the rebel in two. "Rise, Apprentice."
    I felt a strong surge in the Force. I drew on it to muster the energy to look up.
    My Master returned a look, betraying no expression.
    I held myself up, gazing out windscreen as the Jelucan surface filled its view. "Now we're really picking up speed!"
     
"Attention all pilots! Prepare for take off!" 
    My Master and I hurried through the hanger bay, Force pushing two officers as they scrambled for the last shuttle. I strapped myself into the pilot seat and took off, escaping the Life Day Tree just in time as its nose collided with the planet. A cloud of dust rose below us, followed by a series of explosions. I climbed upwards, the dark orange twilight giving way to the comforting black of space. I dared not look at my Master, fearing the repurcussions of my failure.
    "You seem tense, my friend."
    I confirmed his statement. "This is tense."
    "Look at you. Two blaster wounds. Failing respirator. It's a Life Day miracle you're still alive."
    I transmitted our clearance codes to the Wookiee Claus and let his sentence sink in. Was it by his design I had survived the day? Did he know I was to fail my mission? To be tempted by Boctorchi? "Master, I have learned a great deal. Companionship... Love..."
    He cackled slightly. "Go on."
    "I know now that my passion was misplaced. It was your strength in the Force that saved me today. In turn, I must use my powah for the greater good of the Empire. To do that, I must live a life of solitude, of loneliness."
    He turned to me. "That also extends to offspring, right?"
    How would that even be physically possible? I don't even have a functional-- "Of course, Master."
    He smiled. "That, my friend, is the true meaning of Life Day."

"There's a lot to do, but I'm confident we'll have these mines up and running again by next Life Day." Skirata switched the holofootage off and stood at ease.
    "Is there anything else to report, Sergeant?" I had earlier insisted he not be punished for the mission's failure. It was not his fault he became a pawn in my Master's game.
    "No, my Lord. Forgive me, but I didn't get a chance to give you this on Life Day." He handed me a wrapped box. It was green and red. 
    I pulled the ribbon and the wrapping paper opened, revealing a jewellery box. Inside that was a bracelett bearing the word: "BFFs."
    "It's a friendship charm," he explained. "I figured we'd been serving together long enou-- uggh, eerccch, cccchhh..." He fell to his knees, grasping his throat as he struggled to breathe.
    "It appears the meaning of Life Day is lost on you, Sergeant." I faced away as he continue to choke. "Ho. Ho. Ho."

The End.
« Last Edit: January 13, 2017, 10:07:08 PM by ExtraterrestrialGuy »

Andro

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Re: Darth Vader's First Christmas
« Reply #14 on: January 13, 2017, 10:43:19 PM »
ho ho holy unpleasant excrement
*casually falls in love with a face*

finger-lickin' dead

Quote from: ExtraterrestrialGuy
Andro is naturally cute